Dear Diary: Quarantine Edition, Part 2

Quarantine Day 6:

Laina keeps humming the same four notes from a Frozen 2 song. It’s more annoying than when the smoke detector batteries run low and do that “beep…5 minutes…beep…5 more bloody minutes…beep” thing. I know this because that’s what woke me up this morning.

Jeff said I’m crabby. I don’t know what he’s talking about. He’s ridiculous.

Every time I think I’m starting to get used to all of this, there’s another press conference. Today they announced the first positive test in our county so shit is about to get super real.

I washed 1,523 cups tonight. It’s like the kids thought to themselves, “Mom loves dishes! Let’s do our part to slow the spread by using each and every glass.”

Maybe I am a little cranky?

Stay home.

Quarantine Day 7:

Things escalated to the level of BANANAS today. The whole state is under an order to stay home. It’s scary and unprecedented, sure, but I have literally been training for this moment my entire life: Everything that requires pants has been canceled.

I’ve already gathered my leisure wear so that it’s easy to access and I have a huge stack of books ready to completely ignore as I binge Netflix program after Hulu program after Disney Plus program.

Jeff and I started planning for homeschooling today, something I’ve always said we could never do. He is the teacher, the lunch lady and is in charge of curriculum and I’m the principal, the school counselor, and will be in charge of all disciplinary issues. Phoebe is head of Phys. Ed. This is going to be a disaster.

For real though, stay home.

Quarantine Day 8:

We’ve been at this for a full week now, a milestone I’m celebrating with a fresh fruit smoothie. Well, we ran out of almond milk so I used whiskey. But it’s fine. I’m fine.

I was so bored this evening that I actually thought about finally watching the Star Wars movies but then Laina spilled half of our dinner in the sink full of dishwater, so crisis averted. Maybe next time, Darth.

We played Monopoly for the first time as a family tonight. After several trips around the board, Laina announced that she hates all of us and our stupid properties, so I’d say she caught on to the game pretty quickly. Lucy ended up winning and somehow Jeff lost the title to our car

Keep staying home. It’s trending.

Quarantine Day 9:

I’m giving out daily awards now. For example:

Jeff gets the award for “Most Crap Left on the Kitchen Table” and is in the running for “Can’t Find Anything in the Fridge Without Assistance.”

Lucy was awarded “Most Likely to Make Mommy Swear Under Her Breath Before Breakfast.”

Laina’s big achievement today was “Best at Spilling Ramen Noodles in the Living Room EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T EAT IN THE LIVING ROOM.”

Jeff suggested I might also qualify for a couple of awards, such as “Least Likely to Cook a Meal” and “Most Opinionated About Where Jeff Keeps His Shoes.”

We should all hope to get the award for “Staying Home Together for Days on End Without Getting Stabby.”

Quarantine Day 10:

Working from home is great. It’s like regular working but you’re also riding a unicycle and juggling plates and the plates keep falling and the unicycle is on fire and WHAT THE HELL DOES THE DOG HAVE IN HER MOUTH NOW?! I’M FINE. THIS IS FINE.

I accidentally watched the news tonight. It’s hard to come back from that these days. My recommendation is to sandwich each broadcast with a cocktail and a cookie. Always start with the cocktail.

For anyone struggling to fight off panic during these difficult times, try making a list of things for which you’re grateful. I’ll go first:

I’m grateful…

…that with school canceled for the foreseeable future, I don’t have to waste precious time each night searching for matching socks for everyone. Who needs socks anymore?

…for the 4 million new hilarious coronavirus memes in circulation on Facebook and Instagram.

…that hand washing is finally trendy. It’s appalling that it took a pandemic to get to this, but here we are!


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