Winter Is An A-Hole

It’s that time of year again. The bleakest pages on the calendar. It’s dark and cold and Christmas is over. Someone is going to have to take down the tree, but you don’t want to because it’s depressing and tedious. You wonder if it might just be easier to move.

You hit the snooze button countless times every morning because there’s no sun and your soul is tired. There isn’t enough coffee in Colombia to make you enthusiastic about facing another gray, dreary day but you drink it by the gallon anyway because cocaine is illegal.

Viruses (viri?) are spreading like wildfire. Sending your kids to school each day is like letting them lick a petri dish, “Have a good day! Don’t touch anything! Wash your hands constantly!” You don’t know what kind of illness they’ll be exposed to, but whatever it is will probably interrupt your sleep and make a mess on your carpet. If someone invites them over for a playdate, you shudder inwardly and then you’re like, “Do you guys ever Skype?”

Basically, the only thing that gets you through January and February is the possibility of city-crippling snow storms. At least then you have an excuse for wandering around aimlessly while wrapped in fleece blankets.

You try to be positive by thinking about what kind of flowers you’ll plant in the spring or planning vacations for the summer but then someone throws up on you and you remember you still have to take down that damn tree and it all comes flooding back.

Winter is the worst.

Since hibernation probably isn’t an option for you, here are some ideas for surviving the winter blues:

Get a fish for the office and name it Kevin. Spend at least 2 hours setting up a rotating schedule for feeding Kevin and cleaning out his tank.

Crank the thermostat up to 95 degrees, put on your best Hawaiian shirt, fill your living room with 1000 pounds of sand, and enjoy some cocktails in your very own tropical stay-cation!

Ask your husband to put his shoes away. Then you’ll have something to look forward to, because by the time he actually does it, Spring will be half over.

Get to work creating a vaccine to prevent stomach viruses (viri?). Seriously, someone do this. Set up a GoFundMe account to back your research.

Pretend you’re still in college and schedule a Spring Break trip. But be sure to remember that you are NOT still in college and choose an age-appropriate destination. You just can’t hang in Panama City Beach like you could in 1999. Akron, Ohio is more your style now.

Research ways to get a half ton of sand out of the freaking carpet.

Weep openly while you watch the weather forecast every day. This will teach your children that it’s okay to express their emotions.

Buy a bright yellow sun hat that is also big and floppy. Wear. It. Everywhere. In fact, get one for everyone in your household. Enforce sanctions against anyone that refuses to wear his or her hat.

Get really drunk and put away the Christmas decorations. That way, it will be an adventure next year when you are ready to get them out again. “I wonder which tote I put the tree skirt in? I’ll check this one…What’s that wrapped around the nativity? Oh, my yoga pants! I’ve been looking for those all year! How did they get in here? And what in hell is the Elf on the Shelf doing to The Three Wise Men?!”