Tips from a 43-year-old who mostly has their shit together (but only on Tuesdays from 11-2)

The older I get, the less I know. But oddly, the more confident I feel telling others what to do. So, in the spirit of experienced but unwarranted bossiness, I present this listicle.

1. Learn to drink your coffee black. I spent the first part of my adult life with debilitating coffee creamer anxiety. “Do we have creamer?” “Do I need to pick up creamer?” “Will they have coffee creamer or should I bring some?” It was like I feared plain coffee and its wicked sorcery. After a stint with intermittent fasting where black coffee was the only thing I could eat or drink besides water for several hours at a time, I discovered that it was not something to fear. Coffee by itself not only has almost zero calories per cup but it also began to taste good to me. Obviously, fasting had broken me. But several years later, I still prefer it black and it’s so liberating to be able to get a cup of coffee anywhere with no worry about what I need to dump in it to make it palatable. It’s cheaper too. Now instead of spending $12.50 at the coffee shop, I can spend $11.85.
2. Be over the top excited (read: obsessive) about something new every 6 weeks or so. Examples: octopi, hiking, Marvel movies, finding shark teeth, gardening, snowboarding, macramé, the list goes on. It’s like being a 6-year-old, but forever. I call this Obsessive Person Lifestyle (OPL) and it’s great! It’s impossible to be bored when you hyper-focus your attention and energy for short bursts. Be aware though that OPL does have an impact on your social life. Significant others, colleagues, neighbors, and your children can only hear you talk about the mating practices of the Giant Pacific Octopus so many times before they lose both interest and their patience with you.
3. Audiobooks make it possible to be a prolific reader if you never have time to read a book with your eyes. If you enjoyed being read to as a child, this is the same. It’s soothing and makes daily chores or exercise suck significantly less. And work or parenting or whatever it is you do all day that tries to kill you is easier to get through if you know you have a good story waiting for you at the end of your shift. Lol, as if there are shifts in parenting. But I digress. Listening to books activates the same areas of your brain as reading books, so this tip is supported by science.
4. Leisure bras. If you know, you know.
5. Get a dog. But first, ask yourself these three questions:
   • Can I afford to spend $100 a pay period on a pet? This is not an exaggeration. Vet costs, food, medication, toys, high-end matching leash and collar, another dog – these things add up quickly. If you’re on a budget, plants are cheaper.
   • How do I feel about excrement? Honestly, pet ownership is really just a series of problems you have to solve that revolve around pee, poop, and vomit. If you don’t mind using your time and considerable talents on that sort of thing, pets will bring you joy. But if you have an active gag reflex, maybe consider a plant instead.
   • Do I think two-year-olds are awesome? Adult dogs have the approximate cognitive ability of a two year old child. And that’s where they cap out. They will never not be completely dependent on you to meet their many, many needs. If you’re comfortable with that and all the peeing and pooping and puking, get yourself a dog. If not, again, I hear that cacti are easy to care for as long as you don’t try to cuddle them.
6. Use your PTO. Take a vacation or don’t, but take time away from your job. You might be the best accountant/teacher/sales manager/heart surgeon/mime in the city/county/state/country/world but if something happens to you or you leave your current role, you will be replaced. Given that eventuality, sacrificing your physical and emotional well-being to work related stress doesn’t make sense. Not all jobs come with paid time off and when you have children, it can be years before you get to use it for anything other than having a sick child. But if you have it, don’t hoard it like the crates of National Geographic magazines in your parent’s basement. Submit that shit and do something for you. Or help your parents clean out their basement. Pro-tip: The March 1991 Nat’l Geo issue has a great article about giant octopuses!
7. Impulsively log out of all your social media accounts but make sure you’ve forgotten all the passwords first. This will cause a period of panic followed by a brief identity crisis but once you realize you can survive without scrolling and maybe even feel better without it, the second half of your life begins. You’ll have so much more time for your latest obsessive interest. Extreme ironing, anyone?