I used to think adulthood meant paying your bills, having minimal debt, knowing what to do in an emergency, having a 401K, sacrificing what you want for what you need. In essence, it seems I thought that adulthood was a mindset. Or an achievement – “Congratulations! You’re an adult, here’s a copy of your mortgage documents and a book of stamps, you’ll still need those.” I believed that I would eventually become “wise” and as such, would be a full adult.

But what I’m realizing lately is that adulthood is actually just a series of tasks, repeated over and over again until you want to puke. For example, a significant portion of adult life revolves around meal planning and prep. “What should we have for dinner tonight?” Or “Crap, I forgot to pick up garlic bread on my way home.” These are things that only true adults say. Or remembering to get cash from the ATM on paydays. Ordering the dog’s flea and tick medication. Replacing the smoke detector battery twice a year. Task, task, task, bedtime, brush your teeth, don’t forget to floss, more tasks. 

Our daughter turned 18 recently and while she may legally be an adult, she’s not yet adulting in the true sense. She has zero to do lists and exactly none monthly reminders set in her calendar. As far as I know, she doesn’t even know that pets need monthly medication to prevent parasites. She claims to be grown, frequently. Especially when we as parents try to set a limit of some kind. I recently told her I’ll know she’s an adult when she remembers to put the toothpaste lid back on the tube, every time she brushes her teeth. She fumed, “I guess I’m not grown then!” and stomped off to her room where she for sure wasn’t thinking about how much toilet paper we have left or if the dish soap will need to be replaced soon. 

We spend years preparing our kids for adulthood by teaching values and character but maybe not enough time teaching them how to manage the relentless administrative tasks of being alive. Sure, using manners, taking turns, managing big feelings – these are all important things for them to learn. But maybe adulthood isn’t just about gaining wisdom or maturity or independence. Maybe it’s also about becoming the person responsible for remembering all the things. The birthdays. The grocery list. The prescriptions. The oil changes. The bills. The dentist appointments scheduled six months from now. Since I can’t recall exactly when I became that person, I have to assume that these things are learned out of necessity when no one else is there to do it for you. I certainly hope so; this new “adult” of ours will be on her own in just over a month and I’m packing up all her tasks and sending them to college with her. If she forgets to get her oil changed for a year, I’ll try not to panic, and remind myself that this is probably exactly how becoming an adult works.