Dear Diary, Part 5

6/14/2018: Whatever may come, whatever life bomb is about to go off, I’m thankful for today. And also breakfast sandwiches.

6/15/2018: It was so hot that our entire family imploded. I’ve seriously never been that physically uncomfortable and not in an ambulance.

6/16/2018: Lake Michigan, just like the ocean but with fewer sharks.

6/17/2018: The longest road trip in history took place today. My family of origin spent about seven hours together in a car. It was rough but we made it. Families that ride together mutter obscenities under their breath together.

6/20/2018: The Tooth Fairy came and left our daughter a dollar but forgot to actually take her tooth. That’s because the Tooth Fairy is blind as a bat, refuses to wear his glasses, and didn’t apply himself to the task at hand.

6/21/2018: I met David Feldman today, the author of one of my favorite childhood books, Why Do Clocks Turn Clockwise and Other Imponderables. He hugged me and I sat next to him during dinner. Then we played a trivia game on his phone, because dorks, but we went out on a Star Wars question so our nerd cards might be revoked soon.

6/23/2018: I’m supposed to be working on a new blog for work so of course I’m cooking. If you’ve ever wondered what procrastination tastes like, it’s veggie hash with poached eggs and avocado toast.

7/3/18: The kids are having a spur-of-the-moment sleepover next door. And there’s a huge vat of mac and cheese on my counter. Our evening has taken a strange turn.

7/4/2018: After watching Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the little one announced that the next Jurassic World movie will be called “Jurassic World: Free Range Chicken” because she’s a hilarious genius child.

7/5/2018: I built a toaster out of Lego’s today. With little toasts. This may be my greatest accomplishment to date.

7/6/2018: Okay, so I spent nearly $50 on Legos this afternoon. Legos that I don’t intend to let any children touch. So my priorities are skewed. It’s better than buying $50 worth of like donuts. Or meth.

7/7/2018: I watched a full episode of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. I have never before experienced this degree of calm. Bob Ross should be mandatory viewing for people with anxiety. Or people with children. Same thing, really.

7/13/2018: Taking my kids to dinner and a store never fails to make me question my life decisions. Tonight, I experienced a whole range of emotions, starting with mild irritation and ending in apoplectic-mom-rage.

7/15/2018: Avocados just might be my love language.

8/1/2018: Our big girl has lost two teeth in two days and another one under a week ago. I think she gets bored, says, “I need some money” and just yanks out a tooth.

8/8/2018: I was standing in the kitchen rereading my latest blog post for work tonight when I nearly died. Not because of the stupid error I found, but because some idiot (me) had splashed water all over the kitchen floor and didn’t clean it up. Naturally, I slipped in it and it took me a full 26 seconds to catch myself and regain my balance. As my feet slid out in different directions underneath me, I leaned back on the counter to stop my fall. My phone was in my hand and I didn’t want to drop it so I just leaned back harder, holding myself up with my back at a weird angle while my feet just kept sliding around. This went on for so long, I had enough time to fully imagine what Jeff would say as he ushered the paramedics into the kitchen. “I’m not sure how her foot got up by her head like that but her phone didn’t even hit the ground! Hmm, I wonder why the floor is so wet?”

8/9/2018: I told my child to wash her hair. She told me no. She seemed to think I’m just a figure-head around here so I made it very clear that I am not. Anyway, her hair is washed now.

8/10/2018: We had a family date night at Tiramisu, an Italian restaurant. Because it was a special occasion, we actually ordered the Tiramisu for dessert. The kids asked what it was and daddy told them the ingredients. They thought he said “lady bits” when he said “lady fingers” and were properly horrified.

8/15/2018: My grandma kept the girls today and took them to buy their school supplies, unbeknownst to me, who also stopped to get their school supplies after work. I’ve never seen so many glorious notebooks and freshly sharpened pencils on my living room floor all at once. You get school supplies! And you get school supplies! Everyone gets school supplies!

8/16/2018: We were listening to the radio in the car and my eldest daughter asked why so many songs are about love. The little one postulated that it’s because “Love is the most important thing.” Her older sister agreed, “People do tend to have a lot of feelings about love and songs are about feelings so that must be why they sing about it all the time.” I might yell a lot more than I’d hoped to as a mom but they seem to be figuring out the important stuff anyway.



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