Dear Diary

7/20/2017: My husband called me a cake whore today. I mean, he’s not wrong – the list of things I would not do for a piece of cake is pretty short.

7/23/2017: The little one wanted me to go with her to sneak up on daddy and scare him. I said no, because the last time I snuck up on him, I got a baby. She said, “Come on then! I want a baby sister!”

7/28/2017: After a 2-hour road trip, my husband said we should see other people because I’m “annoying and moody” today. But he made me eat at White Castle for lunch, so who’s the real victim here?

7/29/2017: Today, I asked my husband for a human skeleton for Christmas. He looked at me in horror and said I’m not supposed to say things like that out loud, that it’s illegal to possess human bones, and that I should definitely not use google to fact check him on the legal thing. I don’t know what he’s so bent out of shape about, it’s not like I asked him for his skeleton. I just meant a small model of one to put on my desk.

7/30/2017: I bought a Diet Coke today that had the name Bryan on it and showed it to my husband, explaining that I had to buy it because it literally had my name on it. He raised an eyebrow but I think he was amused.

8/5/2017: I think I’m finally learning to “let go.” It used to drive me crazy when the kids took their Barbie dolls into the bath or shower. Today, I found some dolls that have been in the bathtub so long they’re growing barnacles and I didn’t even flinch. Progress.

8/27/2017: My kid told me today that I don’t look a day over 40, which is cute, BECAUSE I’M 37.

8/29/2017: I’m getting a cold so what was left of my enthusiasm is now covered in snot.

9/10/2017: We had two nights out in a row and both were a good time. Which was a surprise because it seems that adulthood is all about making plans and then either canceling them because something came up (i.e. a sick child, you didn’t want to go, etc.) or following through with the said plans but hating every second of it (because your spouse is an asshat, your feet hurt, or it’s too peopley out). This weekend was different – both events were fun and we didn’t try to get out of either one of them!

9/12/2017: I was sorted today. I’m in Slytherin House. This is my biggest disappointment to date.

9/13/2017: Kids are like crackheads for electronics and it’s a huge pain in my butt. I spend a lot of time each day convincing kids and their parents that smart phones and video games could be a cause of their problems. My kids don’t even have their own phones or tablets, but lately I’ve had to deal with this at home too. For example, tonight, the little one taped a cardboard cutout of a phone into an old phone case and then threw a fit because I won’t let her bring it to school. IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE, YO.

9/22/2017: Kids in the morning when you’re in a hurry might just be the most frustrating thing ever faced by man. For example…

Father, loudly: “We have to be at the bus in two minutes, come on guys!” (Walks down hall, finds child in pile of despair, her shoes and socks completely stripped off, his eyes roll back in his head a full 360 degrees)

Child, tears streaming, wailing: “My fooooot itches!”

Father, face contorting as he braces himself for strength: “Well. Scratch. It. Then. We need to leave now.”

Child, less tearful, more willful: “BUT MY FOOT ITCHES!”

Father spontaneously combusts as he tries to maintain composure.

9/24/2017: I tried to kick back and relax today but I still suck at it. Apparently, in my head, relaxation means “be completely crazy and yell at all the people.”

10/1/2017: My diary will never be as good as David Sedaris’. Or Bridget Jones’ for that matter. I thought I wanted to write tonight, but actually, I just want to have written.

10/2/2017: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! There. That’s better.

10/11/2017: I bought a fresh papaya today. I have no idea how to cut it or eat it but google has my back so I’m sure it’ll work out fine.

10/21/2017: Today was the kind of day where even Siri was tired of my shit.

10/24/2017: I lost my contact trying to put it in the morning. I was naked at the time and couldn’t find it anywhere in the bathroom so I spent the rest of the day wondering if maybe it had gotten stuck to my naked person and what it might look like when I found it. It was very distracting.

11/1/2017: I just painted my nails. For the first time in probably over a year or more. I immediately regret this decision. THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO DRY.

11/4/2017: I felt the Christmas spirit today. Even bought a few gifts before I realized it was just gas.

11/5/2017: For about 14 minutes today, I was totally caught up with both the laundry and the dishes. It was glorious. And the peasants rejoiced.

11/7/2017: “Chicken, the fish of the ground.” Amy Sedaris is a comic genius.

11/8/2017: I snaccidentally baked a half apple/half cherry crisp and then served it up with vanilla ice cream.

11/17/2017: It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and I’m getting the spirit of Christmas all over everything.

11/28/2017: Both girls came home yesterday talking about various kids at school telling them that Santa and Elf on the Shelf aren’t real and that “parents do all that stuff.” One even went so far as to tell the younger one that the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. For about three very dark seconds, I was ready to go find these children and tell them just how I felt about them ruining the magic for my children, but then the older one said, “I know they are lying mom. I mean, there’s no way you could get us all those presents and do all those cool things the elves do.” That’s when I realized my child has zero faith in my ability to do anything ever.

11/29/2017: I hate it when it’s not Christmas.

12/3/2017: Getting and keeping my shit together are two entirely different things.

12/17/2017: Today, my 6-year-old asked me if I could just hold her until she’s an adult. So, if you need me for the next 12 years, that’s what I’ll be doing.

12/18/2017: Sisters are nice. I’m glad I have them.

12/19/2017: The hardest part about parenting is the kids.

1/1/2018: I’m not one to think of the new year as a fresh start or a chance to make big changes. It’s really just an opportunity to buy a new calendar for my office. But last year kind of sucked. So, it would be okay with me if this one didn’t as much.

1/5/2018: I took four children to the hair salon and I didn’t have to swear even once.

1/7/2018: I finished a book today, the first in quite some time. I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions this year but if I were to choose one, “Stop starting books and not freaking finishing them” would be on the list.

1/15/2018: If I ever get diagnosed with an ulcer, it will be caused entirely by taking children to the grocery store.

1/24/2018: Ray Bradbury said that writing is about quantity, not quality and that if you only write a few words, you’re doomed. As such, I’m doomed.

1/26/2018: The cardigan sweater is definitely my new look this winter. It feels very Fred Rogers and yet also sexy librarian.

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10 thoughts on “Dear Diary

  1. I love your diary! Yours is so funny—mine is more pathetic and weepy and angry and not fit for public consumption. And I totally agree: Children + grocery store= complete shit show. Every. Time.

  2. Pingback: Sunday Share: Y2 W6 | All In A Dad's Work

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