I’m a sucker for infomercials. It never fails, seven minutes in and I’m glued to the TV with my chin on the floor, positively astounded by the unbelievable convenience being demonstrated right before my eyes. Last year for Christmas, my family humored me and purchased some of the “As Seen on TV” items I had on my wish list. The following reviews should be interpreted not as ungrateful complaints but as an important life lesson learned, albeit the expensive way.

1) The Forever Lazy: This is an adult sized onesie with legs, a hood, and a conveniently located zippered flap. As a long time connoisseur of leisure-wear, I NEEDED this. I was ever so excited to receive it from my husband and put the garment on immediately. After wearing it a couple of times, I can tell you that it is called the Forever Lazy because it is impossible to be anything but lazy while wearing it. The science behind that is not clear to me. It might have something to do with the sudden and dangerous spike in body temperature once you put it on. Perhaps the wearer is weighed down by all the extra fabric and thus unable to move. Whatever the reason, when I put the Forever Lazy on, I lost the ability to be vertical. Further, you really want to make sure you use dryer sheets when you launder this product. You have no idea the static electricity that can build up in 40 yards of fleece until you shift your leg and ignite the couch cushion. On a positive note, the conveniently located zippers allowed me to use the facilities without completely disrobing; this is a nice feature and almost makes up for now having to keep a fire extinguisher next to the sofa.

2) The Gyro Bowl: This product is a bowl that is designed to work with gravity to prevent spillage and messes for snacking children on-the-go. It comes with a lid and is brightly colored and attractive, as far as bowls go. But guess what? IT SPILLS. Just like all the other bowls, plates, cups, and mugs you put in the hands of small children. It spills liquid snacks, crunchy snacks, and gelatinous snacks. Further, when washing the Gyro Bowl you want to make sure you don’t disassemble it as putting it back together is tricky. I took all the pieces apart for a good and thorough cleaning and then rebuilt them into something that looked more like the Sydney Opera House. The worst part is that I thought maybe the Gyro Bowl would help me to maintain my sanity until my children reach an age where they care about the cleanliness of my home. Now I have to continue to suffer through spilled Cheerios, Goldfish Crackers, and mandarin oranges, as well as the heartbreaking disappointment of false advertising.

3) The Slushy Magic: My daughter and I saw this infomercial several months ago and mutually decided that we must have one. And that we needed the bonus one they throw in for no extra cost to sweeten the deal. The need to understand how the magic worked nearly overtook us, but in the guileful way of the American infomercial, they never revealed the secret to the Slushy Magic. We told my husband about this amazing product, in grand detail, making sure to remind him of the bonus Slushy Magic if he ordered in the next 10 minutes. Always eager to make our dreams come true, he went to the website and ordered one Slushy Magic set plus the bonus set AND paid double shipping and handling to get it here in time for Christmas. You want to know what the “magic” part of the Slushy Magic is? You give the website your credit card number, they charge you $38.67, and you get NOT one, NOT two, but ZERO Slushy Magics!! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE DEAL??!!

In sum, “As Seen on TV” is Latin for “You will be full of static and disappointment but definitely not slushies.”