5/6/2018: We were driving home from brunch when the little one piped up from the backseat, “Have you ever seen someone who looked really pretty but then you thought about what they might look like in the shower and you’re like ‘ugh’?” Jeff had to pull over to compose himself.

5/15/2018: I’ve misplaced my mojo. Hormones? Allergies? Working a long day? The heat? Mad Cow Disease? Who knows?

5/17/2018: I’ve had Jimmy John’s three times this week. I’m not proud of that. But you can request sliced pickles on your sandwiches now. And I’m somehow just supposed to ignore that and eat leftovers? I think not.

5/18/2018: Make that four times.

5/20/2018: During food prep tonight, I dropped an entire carton of eggs on the floor. I said some very inappropriate things. Mom – 0, Jimmy Johns – 5.

5/21/2018: I’d like to be published writer, I really would. But I have so many dishes to do and at my current rate, Tuesday’s food prep should be done by Wednesday afternoon.

5/22/2018: I was verbally assaulted by some teenagers in a gray Nissan SUV today after crossing the street between the parking lot and the building where I work. As they drove by, one of them yelled out the window, “GET OUT OF THE STREET! GET THE [extremely rude expletive that rhymes with truck] OUT OF THE STREET!” I’m not being defensive when I say I was completely across the street before they approached the cross walk. They didn’t even have to slow down for me. Furthermore, had I been in the middle of the road, standing there filing my taxes or belly dancing or whatever, it was a marked pedestrian cross walk and I had the right of way. I know they were just being idiots, showing off for each other, trying to look cool. I just wish I hadn’t been so stunned. My phone was in my hand so I could have taken a picture of their license plate and called them in. I could have shouted back at them something clever like, “You kiss your mother with that mouth?!” I could have mooned them. But I did none of those things. I just stood there being deeply appalled. Needless to say, this event has triggered the low simmer. I hope those rude young men aggressively stub their toes tonight when they wake up at 3am to pee.

5/23/2018: I didn’t get yelled at by any teenagers today so I’ve got that going for me.

5/24/2018: The answer to the question, “Are you ready to go?” is never, ever yes. Why do I even ask?

5/29/2018: I planted some flowers in pots yesterday and they aren’t dead yet so I think we can all agree that I’m an expert gardener now.

5/31/2018: On our way to the hotel for my brother-in-law’s wedding this weekend, I suggested we get room service for breakfast the day after the wedding. Jeff said no because he’s a fun sponge and then one child asked what room service is so the other tried to explain, “It’s when someone comes to your room and picks up after you…well, it’s basically Mommy.” Not exactly the kind of room service we were talking about but funny so we let it stand.

6/2/2018: Over the past few years, a population of garden gnomes has been gathering in my library. A library is a rather unorthodox place for gnomes, but they’re adorable and don’t create any laundry so I let them stay. I didn’t realize it until recently, but gnomes multiply like rabbits. They were starting to interfere with my book hoarding, so today, I moved them to a more natural environment among the flowers I’ve recently planted. They seem to like their new home but now we’re just one yard-ornament away from being that neighbor.

6/3/2018: Today, the Shields family worked on learning to adjust when things don’t go as planned. Some of us did better than others. I don’t want to name names here, but it was me. I did better than others.

6/9/2018: Nothing boosts my mood quite like buying a bunch of crap I don’t need. Today it was a new lunch box, a pair of blue Converse sneakers, some clearance sandals, a hummingbird feeder, and a DVD of Jurassic World from the bargain bin. I needed literally none of these things, yet here I am, sporting my new kicks and hanging the feeder, positively filled with joy as I anticipate falling asleep to Chris Pratt as the Alpha raptor.

6/12/2018: Jeff is herding a couple of cats into the bath right now, which is to say he is trying to put the kids to bed and they aren’t having it. I can hear his frustration building and it makes me giggle because this time it’s not me repeating myself and muttering prayers for strength under my breath. But hearing him struggle also makes me feel a little guilty for not helping. Better get my ear buds.