During my tenure as a human, I have witnessed many peculiar practices of the species. One observation stands out: Priorities and the value that people place on their time, money, and possessions vary significantly between individuals. That is to say, people are weird.  I’ve collected data in my own household to support this conclusion.

But First, Pants

We did not have curtains on our living room window for a period of about five years. This is because I could never justify the money it would cost to purchase four panels to hang on the already existing rod. It is important that you know we have a large picture window through which our neighbors can view all of our activities of daily living, if they choose to do so. You also need to know that I prefer not to wear pants at home. Despite these things, however, we acquired nine Barbie DVD’s, each costing between $10 and $20, in the same period of time during which we had no curtains. The good news is that we eventually found some curtains, on clearance of course. We hung them and our ever-so-relieved neighborhood is living happily ever after. The bad news is that Bob and Cathy across the street can no longer watch the dramatic conclusion of Pop Star Barbie in the Island Fairy Rainbow Princess Mermaid-A-Thon.

Death By Underwire

The bra I wear most often is at least six years old. Three years ago, one of the underwires shot up and hit me in the chin while I was working. So I removed both of them and continued wearing it. Because bras are super expensive. I recently bought a single $30 plate because it is yellow and has a smiley face on it. I have more books than an independent book store and more bottles of wine than Argentina but won’t part with money for things like dryer sheets and napkins. I’ll wear the same pair of shoes for eight months but have purchased at least 12 new coffee mugs in the last three months. These are obviously the financial decisions of someone who has her priorities straight.

The One Where Nikki Doesn’t Exercise

My all-time biggest woe is that I don’t have time to exercise. Each day begins with me wasting ten minutes pledging to find at least 30 minutes to exercise and ends with a sigh, “No time today. Guess I’ll try again tomorrow.” Weeks, even months can go by without me so much as taking a walk around the neighborhood. I really am very busy. Honestly. But here’s the twist: As I complain about not having time to exercise, I have found the time to read hundreds of books. I know that because I have also found the time to keep a detailed list of the books I’ve read, starting in 2003.  And I’ve seen every episode of Friends on DVD in order. Twice.

Zero Car Garage

In the ten years we’ve owned our home, neither of us have ever been able to park in the garage because we haven’t had time to clean and organize all the junk in it. This past weekend, I spent an hour plucking my eyebrows and then took a nap. I revised and edited my last Facebook status 12 times before I posted it but I’ve been too busy to balance my checkbook. Since 2011. There are weeds in my front yard taller than most sport utility vehicles but I’ve found enough time to pin 188 photos of woodland creatures wearing tiny sweaters to my Pinterest board, “Festive Fauna.” Time management is my superpower.

I’d give you more examples but I’m headed out to pick up the latest Barbie DVD. Because we need it. For old times’ sake, I may just open the curtains so the neighbors can watch it too.