Wanted: (Very) Personal Assistant

Job Description

Seeking overly conscientious and slightly compulsive type for part-time personal (and I do mean personal) assistant position to perform completely necessary tasks that I loathe.

  • get the house payment to the bank sometime prior to the very last minute
  • make boatloads of photocopies (“boatload” is an actual unit of measure in our house)
  • floss my teeth because I gag when I do it; I don’t know if I’ll gag when you do it but I’m willing to give it a go
  • go on search-and-rescue missions for dirty laundry around the house
  • clean out all the rubbish that accumulates in the backseat of the car; especially the sticky unidentifiable goo in the cup holders
  • wipe the toothpaste splatter out of the bathroom sinks and off the mirrors which is, apparently, something that needs to be done thrice daily
  • scrub the coffee stain out of the dining room ceiling without asking why there is a coffee stain on the dining room ceiling
  • chauffeur me home from Wine Club, I mean, Book Club
  • find my ever missing tube of ChapStick
  • play nursemaid to my kids when they’re super sick; not the extra-cuddly kind of sick, I can handle that, but the super-gross-stuff-coming-out-all-their-orifices sort of sick
  • answer my phone while I’m driving with “Nikki’s smart phone, state your malfunction.”
  • reorganize my kitchen with the net result being that I can easily find matching lids for all of my storage containers
  • change the batteries in smoke detectors before they do that low battery beep…(five minutes)…beep…(five more bloody minutes)…beep thing in the middle of the night

Qualifications

Education: must be able to read and quickly at that; basic knowledge of normal child development required as I often need assistance to determine if my children are behaving normally or if what they are doing is an obvious sign that I’ve ruined them already; must be proficient enough in math to help me calculate tips at restaurants

Experience: active military combat experience preferred; previous work in hostage negotiation a plus; must be computer literate and able to operate a label maker

Certifications/Special Training: CPR and lifeguard training required; an active Costco Membership preferred

Compensation

The compensation and benefits package for the job offered is neither competitive nor impressive. While the position is paid, it will not necessarily be so consistently. Sometimes, personal (again, very) assistant will be paid hourly and at other times, payment will be in the form of my company or a nice cup of coffee. Regarding benefits, if you are under the age of 26, you are in luck as you might still qualify to be on your parents’ health insurance. If you are over 26, the good news is that you will very likely be eligible for some level of public assistance for health coverage, given the meager and inconsistent nature of your income. An additional perk is that I will be happy to give you my extremely unprofessional and unsolicited opinion on a variety of subjects, including how you manage your finances, your choice in potential mates, the shoes you wear, and how you should manage the unbelievable mole problem in my backyard.

Interested applicants should carefully re-read the above job duties again before submitting their cover letter and resume to me electronically at omgpleasehelpme@worstjobever.com.

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