Weight is a tricky subject. That is to say, my pants have gotten too tight. Again. I’m sure people have noticed but no one has said anything to my face. Which is great because while some people like it when others notice they’ve lost weight, zero people appreciate when someone points out their weight gain. It is rarely necessary to share such an observation because, trust me on this, if someone has gained a visible amount of weight, they are most certainly aware. Nothing you say on the subject will be news to them.

Justifiable reasons to point out another person’s weight gain include:

• You want to start a fist fight that will create a distraction so your friend can rob a bank.
• You have a bad tooth you want to have knocked out because your dental insurance does not cover tooth extraction because why would it?
• You are trying to catastrophically and permanently end a relationship with that person.

If those things do not apply but you are nonetheless in a position to let someone know they have put on a few pounds, such as if you are a physician or a complete idiot, you need to be very careful with your choice of words in order to avoid getting hit. I recommend disguising your message in a statement so clever that the receiver will need a moment to process what you’ve just said, which will give you a few seconds to move out of their reach.*

Here are some suggestions to get you started. And possibly punched.

“You look like you’re displacing more water these days.”

“I bet you could safely hibernate well into late spring.”

“I have a Snuggie that looks just like your dress but in another color!”

“Clearly you’ve been enjoying more than your 1/7,400,300,000 share of the world’s resources.”

“The structural integrity of your blouse seems to be challenged.”

“I think it’s just great that you can start wearing those old maternity pants again without the bother of having to actually be pregnant.”

“Has your ass been taking Prednisone?”

“We could totally recreate the Jimmy Fallon/Will Ferrell “Tight Pants” skit right now. And by we, I mean you.”

*Using these statements will still most likely result in bodily harm to the user.