New Year’s resolutions are a great idea in theory. There’s nothing like the fresh start of a brand new year to boost motivation for improved health, to be a better spouse/parent/friend/lacrosse player, or to give up all those bad habits. For the past few years, I haven’t made any resolutions because I didn’t want to feel like a failure when January 9th arrived and I still hadn’t been to the gym. But self improvement is a good thing and it can’t hurt to set a few goals. So to celebrate the beginning of another year, I’ve put together a short list of things I’d like to work on in 2015. Well, approximately 2015. I’d be satisfied to get through most of the list by 2028.
- Put away the socks. The ones that have been living in the laundry basket, unmated, for months.
- Worry less. But what if I can’t do that? And just how will I maintain a high level of stress and anxiety without constant irrational and unnecessary worries? What would I do with all my free time? On second thought, never mind.
- Swear less. But just in the presence of women and children.
- Be more patient. This would be easier if everyone around me would just hurry the hell up already. Oops.
- Take up snowboarding. Because that looks like loads of fun. And not at all life-threatening.
- Spend less time on my smart phone. I anticipate that this will be most challenging as I recently found Candy Crush Soda Saga. (Does anyone have any hints for getting past level 28? This “find the bears” thing is more complicated than it looks.)
- Plant a garden. Just kidding!
- Exercise once in a while. That’s as specific as I’m going to get because “once in a while” is a dramatic improvement from “never.”
- Write a book.
- Learn how to curl my own hair. Seriously, is there some kind of class that women take to learn this? Can you find that on YouTube? I look great after a trip to the salon but when I put a hot wand to my hair, I end up looking like a very angry sheep. If I could do it all by myself, I’d settle for sedated sheep; sedated but elegant and with amazing volume.