Little Miss Nikki sat on her ottoman (pretend “ottoman” rhymes with “Nikki”) folding the laundry because what even is curds and whey? Along came a spider that CRAWLED UP HER FREAKING LEG so Nikki burned down the house.

Okay, so I lost track of the nursery rhyme there, but you get the idea.

I was all set to do a post about Murder Hornets and conspiracy theories, but I feel like Assault Spiders and exterminators are more personally relevant today.

In related news, I learned that Wolf Spiders can live for up to eleven years. ELEVEN YEARS. Well anyway, this guy’s name is Ryan and he works in web design and is into power lifting and vintage video gaming. Thanks to Ryan, I may never sleep again.