Birth Control \bərTH-kənˈtrōl\ noun : time spent anywhere many children gather at one time, e.g., parks, daycare centers, schools, amusement parks, public pools, birthday parties, backyards, family gatherings, waiting rooms, the toy department at Wal-Mart

Child \chyld\ noun 1 : a small, stubborn, sticky person prone to frivolity and noisemaking 2 : a germ’s favorite means of conveyance

F#@kteen \fək-tēn\ adj : a large but undefined number of things; typically used when feeling frantic or overwhelmed, as in, “I have f#@kteen things to do today and I can’t find my keys!”

Netflix \net-fliks\ proper noun : Latin word that loosely translates to “one more episode won’t hurt and good luck ever getting off the couch again”

Stress \stres\ noun 1 : a syndrome that is the direct result of oversleeping, having to wrestle two sleepy children out of bed and into their clothes and make yourself presentable before rushing out the door seven minutes later, being sure to lock it behind you, only to realize that you have just locked the keys to the car in the house, but no big deal you’ll just get the extra house key out of the…HOLY CRAP…You realize you never put the extra key back in the extra-key-hiding-place and now you have to call your husband who is in a meeting and so you’re going to be late to all the things for the rest of time; usually experienced as heartburn, sporadic outbursts of crude language, nostril flaring, and inappropriate use of sarcasm 2 : what you feel when you leave your cell phone at home and don’t realize it until you are too far away to retrieve it without being ridiculously late to your daughter’s first dance recital and now you have NO IDEA how you’re going to get through the six and one half hours your child isn’t actually on stage performing

Relaxed \rəˈlakst\ adj. : a mythical state of mind characterized by a lack of physical tension or worry; consuming alcohol often serves to trick one into thinking they have achieved this but in reality they are merely shit-faced

Magazine \maɡəˈzēn\ noun 1 : printed pages bound together, often arriving in the mail, that soak up spilled beverages on the coffee table 2 : clutter on the backs of toilets 3 : (archaic) used to be read by those using toilets, but this practice was discontinued with the advent of the smartphone

Shitdamnhellpiss \SHit-dam-hel-pis\ vulgar slang : the only appropriate thing to say when one has just spilled an entire venti latte in her purse

Work-Home Balance \wərk-hōm-baləns\ noun 1 : state of being characterized by one not feeling that they are completely dropping the ball in either their home or work lives 2 : having time for exercise, entertainment, AND sleep while maintaining gainful employment 3 : status a working parent will seek constantly but only actually experience for an average of 14 minutes per calendar year

Me-Time \mē-tīm\ noun 1 : the centerpiece of many, many adult fantasies 2 : not actually a thing