Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say

No thank you, I’ve had enough coffee for today.

Come on, I’ll race you!

Sweetie, you must have had a long day. Sit down, put your feet up, let me get you a beer.

Can I hold your baby?

There are just too many books in our house.

This (any item at T.J. Maxx) is so cute! But I don’t need it.

You know what we really need? More kids.

Honey, I folded all the laundry AND put it away!

…and then I voluntarily jumped out of the airplane…

If you need someone to help delouse your children, I’m free tomorrow afternoon.

Let me make the Thanksgiving turkey this year. No really, I insist!

I wish you wouldn’t spend so much money on me dear, your presence is gift enough.

With mushrooms, please.

I’m running a little ahead of schedule.

Can I have a smaller piece? That one has way too much frosting on it.

Well, if it’s just a stomach bug, come on over!

Honey, you’re being entirely too attentive. I wish you’d spend more time playing games on your phone.

I can’t believe how cheap this Range Rover was!

Do you mind if we meet earlier than that? I really prefer to start my day at sunrise.

I’m going to go mow the lawn now.

I love math!


Gosh, I have more PTO than I could ever possibly use!

I just wish I was wearing pants right now.

How about I stay home with the kids and you take a two week golf vacation?

I finally have enough pairs of eyeglasses.

What’s that, Justin Timberlake? You want to bring sexy back? I can’t, I’m married.

Boxed wine? Please, I have standards.

Get that adorable baby goat wearing a tiny sweater out of my sight at once!